Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead: Part 4

December 11, 2010 § 2 Comments

Me: I think this shirt is too small.

Ethan: Don’t worry about it. You’re not fat.

Me: I wasn’t saying I thought I was fat- I was saying it shrunk in the wash! Do you think I’m fat?!

Ethan: Holy crap.

Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead Part 2

November 11, 2010 § 1 Comment

Why I shouldn’t ask my fiance for clothing advice.

Me: Ethan, does this shirt go with this jacket? I bought the shirt because I needed something for under the jacket.

Ethan: You look tiny.

Me: What?

Ethan: The shoulders are huge on your little body. I think it’s too big for you.

Me: No, I LIKE the jacket! I was asking you if the SHIRT goes with it!

Ethan: Oh! Well… no, I would have gone with orange.

Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead: Part 1

October 12, 2010 § 8 Comments

This one comes from last summer.

Marcus: Since we’re twins, half of what I say to you will be done telepathically anyway.

Me: We never really tried out the whole “telepathic communication” thing. Do you think we can do it?

Marcus: Tell you what. When we’re at the cottage, I’ll blindfold you in the yard and spin you around and around and around. Then I’ll stop you and have you sprint blindfolded toward the cliff. In my mind I’ll yell at you before you hit the edge. If you stop, we can communicate in our heads. If I’m wrong: death.

Me: Well, it has been a long time since we’ve used our twin shenanigans to scare the crap out of Mom and Dad…

Marcus: And maybe instead of sprinting, you can skip and leap toward the cliff, for fun.

– Patty

Moments That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in The Forehead: Part 2

October 5, 2010 § 8 Comments

Merchandise Display Fail

I’d like to meet the employee who chose to place Seven next to Elmo in Grouchland.


– Patty

Moments That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in The Forehead: Part 1

October 3, 2010 § 6 Comments



– Patty

Lasik Surgery: Two Weeks Later

September 30, 2010 § 6 Comments

My old eye care products- trashed!

Today marks my two week Lasik anniversary- and what a ride it’s been. I wore corrective lenses for over twenty years, but two things finally tipped me over to the Lasik side: utter jealousy over my boyfriend’s Lasik results, and the fact that I have not been able to wear contacts for the past two years. The glasses didn’t bother me from a vanity perspective (although I am happy I don’t need to wear them at my wedding now), but just annoyed the crap out of me. Not being able to wear normal sunglasses, having to constantly clean lenses, always worrying about them breaking… no more! But Lasik isn’t the “walk in blind, walk out happy” procedure it’s advertised as sometimes. I will elaborate.

First of all, it is true (at least from my experience) that the procedure is entirely painless. But that doesn’t mean it’s not scary. It didn’t help that a few days before my procedure, my boyfriend showed me the clip from Fire in the Sky in which the aliens prop a guy’s eye open and a needle comes down from the ceiling, telling me that’s what the procedure would be like. (He did that in retaliation for me showing him this episode of Home Movies the morning of his procedure, but I don’t think his was a proportional response.)

After a few preliminary eye appointments to diagnose my candidacy and get my eye information, I was ready for the surgery. Once I got to the clinic, everything happened really fast; it seemed like I was almost immediately being given drops to numb my eyes and the surgeon was drawing on my eyeballs. (Yes- he drew ON my eyeballs!) I couldn’t feel it happening, which is pretty much true for the surgery itself as well- the scary part isn’t the pain, but the knowledge of what is happening to your eyes (and the faint smell of burning which, fortunately, Ethan had warned me would happen).  The nurse handed me two squeezie balls to hold if I got nervous so I wouldn’t shake my head around, which turned out to be very useful. The procedure was fast, but the lights, noises and smell were very off-putting. When it was all over the nurse asked me to hand her the balls back- apparently I wasn’t ready to, because she had to pry them out of my little hands.

After that is when the pain kicked in. You’re supposed to fall asleep as fast as possible after the surgery so you can sleep off the worst of the pain, but I just couldn’t fall asleep. I just lay there in my stupid goggles (yes, you have to sleep in goggles afterward. Like the mittens babies wear to keep them from scratching themselves, they keep you from pawing at your face in your sleep. And they look awesome.), tears streaming down my face. But that only lasted about an hour- I then slept for six hours and woke up to discover that Ethan had baked a 10 lb. ham while I was out. I ate a delicious ham sandwich, drank two cans of pop and went back to sleep.

Now, two weeks later, I would say it was completely worth it. Here are the pros and cons:


  • Constant dry eye. For the first week and a half, I woke up three times a night with dry eye. I did not know that eyes could get so dry they could wake you up.
  • Sleeping in goggles. At first it’s exciting, like you’re about to go skiing in your bed or something, but my ears are too big and kept folding over- very uncomfortable.
  • Bloody eyes. Not painful, just awful to look at. I mean, people wouldn’t look me in the eye because I looked crazy.
  • Glare and fuzziness, especially in fluorescent lighting.
  • Cost (I will be paying $140 a month for two years, although that comes with free check-ups and touch-ups).

Fortunately, all those cons are temporary. Here are the pros:

  • I can wear real sunglasses and then put them on top of my head like the cool people do.
  • I can open the dishwasher or drain pasta fog-free.
  • I can get caught in the rain and still see where I’m going.
  • I can see better than I did in glasses, so no more using the GPS because I can’t read street signs. Now I can just use the GPS because I have no sense of direction.
  • I can apply make-up and see what I’m doing.
  • If I get stranded on an island a la Lord of the Flies, my glasses will not be stolen and used for fire.
  • Did I mention the sunglasses? I am going to look so cool.

So anyway, the cons are temporary but the pros are forever (or at least until I need reading glasses). Still, I’m excited for the redness to go away- I spend every day looking like I just got off a three-day bender. But I guess I can hide that with the sunglasses.

– Patty

For further reading, see my one month update.


September 27, 2010 § Leave a comment

As I said earlier, I have a habit of recording funny conversations. Colleen called me laughing one day, dying to share this story so that we could record it for posterity. This took place several years ago, when Maureen’s oldest daughter, Abby, was about four and Maureen’s son, Nick, was about a year old. The conversation began with what I hope was Maureen’s joke that Colleen should quit school and become a full-time mother.  The following is a transcript of what Colleen heard through the phone.

Maureen: Colleen, you don’t need to go to college! Why don’t you drop everything, have kids, and be a stay at home mom, right now… Oh, Abby, no! Stop it! Damn. Oops… Abby just locked me in the pantry. Abby, seriously, I gotta get out… God Colleen, she’s stronger than I thought!

 [Maureen pushes and pushes at the door.  She finally gets the door open and, when there is a little space, puts a dirty diaper through the crack, yelling “Aaah! A dirty diaper!” At this point, Abby screams and runs away. Maureen exits the pantry.]

Maureen: Uh-oh! Nicholas is in the freezer. Abby, stop it! Abby, stop it! Abby is trying to close the freezer door on Nicholas. [It should be said that by “in the freezer,” Maureen meant that he had gotten the freezer door open and was taking things out.]

 [The sound of the ice cream man is heard in the background.]

 Abby: Ice cream! Ice cream!

 Maureen: No. You just locked me in the pantry. [Under her breath, into the phone: “No she’s not going to have ice cream! She locked me in the pantry!”]

 [Abby whines and moans, and Maureen goes back to the kitchen, continuing her conversation about motherhood.]

Maureen: No, seriously, it really is a very rewarding experience… Abby, take that rubber band off your head! [laughs]  Abby was defiant, but it helped keep the hair out of her eyes.

– Patty

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