Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead: Part 4

December 11, 2010 § 2 Comments

Me: I think this shirt is too small.

Ethan: Don’t worry about it. You’re not fat.

Me: I wasn’t saying I thought I was fat- I was saying it shrunk in the wash! Do you think I’m fat?!

Ethan: Holy crap.

Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead: Part 3

November 16, 2010 § 6 Comments

This conversation took place over my request that Ethan wear a shirt during meal times.

Ethan: But I have to let my body breathe!

Me: It breathes at night.

Ethan: But it’s under covers.

Me: It breathes in the shower.

Ethan: But it’s under water.

Me: Women don’t ever get to let their bodies breathe, and we’re okay.

Ethan: No you’re not. That’s why you don’t live as long.

Me: What? Women live longer than men!

Ethan: But is that really living?

Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead Part 2

November 11, 2010 § 1 Comment

Why I shouldn’t ask my fiance for clothing advice.

Me: Ethan, does this shirt go with this jacket? I bought the shirt because I needed something for under the jacket.

Ethan: You look tiny.

Me: What?

Ethan: The shoulders are huge on your little body. I think it’s too big for you.

Me: No, I LIKE the jacket! I was asking you if the SHIRT goes with it!

Ethan: Oh! Well… no, I would have gone with orange.

Lasik Surgery: One Month Later

October 21, 2010 § 1 Comment

Before my update, I want to share a story. A few months ago, I started to notice brown spots on my shower sponge. Standing in the shower, I examined them closer and realized they were tiny brown bugs. Disgusted, I threw the sponge away. Ethan’s sponge didn’t seem to have any bugs on it, but I wasn’t going to take any chances, so I threw that one away, too. I replaced the sponges, but they were back a few days later! I tore threw the house washing bedding and examing the apartment for these bugs, but I still only noticed them on the shower sponges.

A few days after Lasik, I examined them again. It turns out those “bugs” were the exfoliating beads from my brown sugar shower gel. I had never been able to see properly in the shower before because I couldn’t wear my glasses in the shower!

That story reminds me why Lasik was the right choice for me. However, one month after my surgery things still aren’t perfect. My left eye, which was almost 20/20 before, is about 20/25 now. Eyes can fluctuate for one to three months after surgery, so I guess I was having a bad left eye day when I went in. My hope is that when everything evens out, it’s back to 20/20.

My night vision still leaves something to be desired, too. It is better than it was, but I still get halos and glares off cars, and it’s harder than before to distinguish objects in the dark. I’m still not driving to unfamiliar places at night; I probably could, but I feel safer sticking to the places I know.

The only other annoyance is dryness. The dryness was a lot better about two weeks after the surgery, but then the autumn weather kicked in. It’s very controllable with eye drops about every hour or two, but it would have been nice to have the surgery farther away from winter so I didn’t have to deal with it.

Anyway, I’m still happy with the surgery but excited for my vision to even out and the night driving to get better.  I’m also beginning to suspect I’m not going to develop the ability to shoot lasers from my eyes.

Click here to see my two week update.

1 day after

1 day after Lasik

1 month after

1 month after Lasik (the brown spot has always been there)

Conversations That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in the Forehead: Part 1

October 12, 2010 § 8 Comments

This one comes from last summer.

Marcus: Since we’re twins, half of what I say to you will be done telepathically anyway.

Me: We never really tried out the whole “telepathic communication” thing. Do you think we can do it?

Marcus: Tell you what. When we’re at the cottage, I’ll blindfold you in the yard and spin you around and around and around. Then I’ll stop you and have you sprint blindfolded toward the cliff. In my mind I’ll yell at you before you hit the edge. If you stop, we can communicate in our heads. If I’m wrong: death.

Me: Well, it has been a long time since we’ve used our twin shenanigans to scare the crap out of Mom and Dad…

Marcus: And maybe instead of sprinting, you can skip and leap toward the cliff, for fun.

– Patty

These are the statuses of my life, Part 1

October 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

Angela decides to wear my mascara... on her cheeks and in her hair.

As you’ve read above, I am the mother of three children and live an interesting life.  I have a wonderful husband and three fabulous children that I am proud of and who make me happy.  That being said, I sometimes feel like my life is a three ring circus in which I am the ringleader, the tightrope walker and the unfortunate soul who has to clean up the elephant poop.  My husband and children are the clowns and, of course, the elephants!

You can learn a lot about my life simply through my Facebook statuses over the past year and a half and as you will quickly learn, my youngest, Angie, can be my biggest challenge some days as a mother.  So, here is a small glimpse into my life.

 Maureen was picking out shampoo in the shampoo aisle when she looked up to see her 2 year old with a bottle conditioner that she had plucked off the shelf… conditioner all over her face, hands and hair! What a lovely site.

Maureen thought her darling daughter was going down to sleep for her nap when she came out of her room to say “Poop in there, Mom.” Instead of sleeping, she was taking the poop from her diaper and putting it in the Barbie train along with her other toys! Bleccch!

Maureen is glad, for once, that it’s not a hot & humid day because Angela decided to dump an entire carton of half & half on the living room carpet…. and dance in it!

Maureen was driving down the street when a pop can rolled under her seat and then rolled back out – twisting and spraying everywhere and everyone… while I was DRIVING!! I had to pull over and let the rest of the can spray out the window before I went on my way. Abby says: “Mom – why did you do that?” Nick says: “That was so AWESOME!!!!”

Maureen had this sentence come out of her mouth tonight: “Well, don’t put your hands in there if you don’t want them to get stuck there.

Maureen is wondering why there are bite marks in the soap on the bathroom sink??

 Maureen just had the CRAP scared out of her by her 2 year old! Poor girl, she scared me so bad that I screamed at the top of my lungs and scared her right back. She has finally stopped crying and I’m just waiting for my heart to start beating again.

Moments That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in The Forehead: Part 2

October 5, 2010 § 8 Comments

Merchandise Display Fail

I’d like to meet the employee who chose to place Seven next to Elmo in Grouchland.

 

– Patty

Moments That Make Me Want to Smack Myself in The Forehead: Part 1

October 3, 2010 § 6 Comments

Conformists.

 

– Patty

Lasik Surgery: Two Weeks Later

September 30, 2010 § 6 Comments

My old eye care products- trashed!

Today marks my two week Lasik anniversary- and what a ride it’s been. I wore corrective lenses for over twenty years, but two things finally tipped me over to the Lasik side: utter jealousy over my boyfriend’s Lasik results, and the fact that I have not been able to wear contacts for the past two years. The glasses didn’t bother me from a vanity perspective (although I am happy I don’t need to wear them at my wedding now), but just annoyed the crap out of me. Not being able to wear normal sunglasses, having to constantly clean lenses, always worrying about them breaking… no more! But Lasik isn’t the “walk in blind, walk out happy” procedure it’s advertised as sometimes. I will elaborate.

First of all, it is true (at least from my experience) that the procedure is entirely painless. But that doesn’t mean it’s not scary. It didn’t help that a few days before my procedure, my boyfriend showed me the clip from Fire in the Sky in which the aliens prop a guy’s eye open and a needle comes down from the ceiling, telling me that’s what the procedure would be like. (He did that in retaliation for me showing him this episode of Home Movies the morning of his procedure, but I don’t think his was a proportional response.)

After a few preliminary eye appointments to diagnose my candidacy and get my eye information, I was ready for the surgery. Once I got to the clinic, everything happened really fast; it seemed like I was almost immediately being given drops to numb my eyes and the surgeon was drawing on my eyeballs. (Yes- he drew ON my eyeballs!) I couldn’t feel it happening, which is pretty much true for the surgery itself as well- the scary part isn’t the pain, but the knowledge of what is happening to your eyes (and the faint smell of burning which, fortunately, Ethan had warned me would happen).  The nurse handed me two squeezie balls to hold if I got nervous so I wouldn’t shake my head around, which turned out to be very useful. The procedure was fast, but the lights, noises and smell were very off-putting. When it was all over the nurse asked me to hand her the balls back- apparently I wasn’t ready to, because she had to pry them out of my little hands.

After that is when the pain kicked in. You’re supposed to fall asleep as fast as possible after the surgery so you can sleep off the worst of the pain, but I just couldn’t fall asleep. I just lay there in my stupid goggles (yes, you have to sleep in goggles afterward. Like the mittens babies wear to keep them from scratching themselves, they keep you from pawing at your face in your sleep. And they look awesome.), tears streaming down my face. But that only lasted about an hour- I then slept for six hours and woke up to discover that Ethan had baked a 10 lb. ham while I was out. I ate a delicious ham sandwich, drank two cans of pop and went back to sleep.

Now, two weeks later, I would say it was completely worth it. Here are the pros and cons:

Cons:

  • Constant dry eye. For the first week and a half, I woke up three times a night with dry eye. I did not know that eyes could get so dry they could wake you up.
  • Sleeping in goggles. At first it’s exciting, like you’re about to go skiing in your bed or something, but my ears are too big and kept folding over- very uncomfortable.
  • Bloody eyes. Not painful, just awful to look at. I mean, people wouldn’t look me in the eye because I looked crazy.
  • Glare and fuzziness, especially in fluorescent lighting.
  • Cost (I will be paying $140 a month for two years, although that comes with free check-ups and touch-ups).

Fortunately, all those cons are temporary. Here are the pros:

  • I can wear real sunglasses and then put them on top of my head like the cool people do.
  • I can open the dishwasher or drain pasta fog-free.
  • I can get caught in the rain and still see where I’m going.
  • I can see better than I did in glasses, so no more using the GPS because I can’t read street signs. Now I can just use the GPS because I have no sense of direction.
  • I can apply make-up and see what I’m doing.
  • If I get stranded on an island a la Lord of the Flies, my glasses will not be stolen and used for fire.
  • Did I mention the sunglasses? I am going to look so cool.

So anyway, the cons are temporary but the pros are forever (or at least until I need reading glasses). Still, I’m excited for the redness to go away- I spend every day looking like I just got off a three-day bender. But I guess I can hide that with the sunglasses.

– Patty

For further reading, see my one month update.

TVs, Slurpees, and Firefighters

September 29, 2010 § 4 Comments

Growing up normal in our family is no easy feat. Which is probably why none of us did. One of my earliest memories is being three years old looking behind me to see my brother on a ride on tractor chasing me. My little chubby three year old legs pumping wildly propelling me across the length of our acre backyard. To this day, he’ll say I exaggerate that story, but one does not forget their first near death experience.

As said in the introduction, I am in my last year of undergrad. To say I made it this far in life without any serious, permanent injury is a small miracle. In second grade, I had a best friend named Ashley. Ashley, Colleen, and I would often hang out together, because Ashley was in between Colleen and I’s age. On cold December, Michigan evenings we often had to get creative in making up games. Classic hide and seek seemed less than an exciting prospect for three energetic girls. So why not turn off the lights? The seeker won’t be able to tell where they are and they will have to feel their way around the room in order to find the other two.

I guess I should preface this story with a short description of the room. Pat, Colleen and I shared one room. Pat had her own bed, and own side of the room, while Colleen and I shared bunk beds, on the other side. Earlier in the evening before she left the house, we were under strict instruction not to go anywhere near Pat’s things.

So as we played hide and seek throughout the entire bedroom, I scouted out my hiding place. Closet? Too easy. Under the bed? Been there done that. Under the covers? What am I five? All of a sudden Pat’s TV stand came into view. Genius, I’ll shove my little body into the TV stand which held Pat’s cement block of a TV. Sensing my idea, Colleen made a rule: “No hiding under Pat’s TV stand.” Hearing that rule, what second grader wouldn’t think the TV stand was the best place to hide? She won’t be looking there because it’s off limits! Ashley hid under the blankets, Colleen was waiting outside, so I ran, turned off the lights, and squirmed into the TV stand, and called Colleen to come into the room.

Now Colleen is a different kind of sister. She had a mother’s instincts by the time she was eight. She knew by telling me I couldn’t hide under the TV, I would hide under the TV. Pitch black, she felt her way around the room till she could feel the glass screen of the television. Feeling her way down to the wooden stand, she got on the ground, put her hand inside and tagged me. I was out. Not only was I out but I was the first one out! Defeated, I began climbing out of the TV stand. Arms first, I crab-walked out of it putting my hands on the ground, then my butt. The dark concealed the slow tipping of the giant TV. So when it fell on my head I didn’t know what had hit me. I slammed to the ground, and Colleen with one hand threw it off my head in one fell swoop. Before I know it, the lights are on, I’m staring at the ceiling, unable to move, and my mom is running to my side. In what felt like less than three minutes, fire trucks and ambulances filled our driveway. Countless paramedics and firefighters crowded our room, putting me on a stretcher. Throughout this madness Colleen (the whiner) started complaining about her arm. I can’t get one ounce of attention without Colleen trying to steal my spotlight. “Mom my arm really hurts!”

“Colleen, your sister is really hurt, not now!”

“But mom, my arm really hurts!”

“Damn it Colleen!” and then to a fire fighter “Can you get her an ice pack or something?!”

Meanwhile, my mental state was being tested.

“Meagan do you know what month it is?”

“December.”

“Meagan, can you tell me who Santa is?”

“Uhh… Kris Kringle… duh…”

An ambulance ride is very exciting for a 7-year-old girl. You’re on your back, racing through the streets. Dad’s in the front seat of the ambulance asking question after question while I’m having the time of my life in the back. At the hospital the doctor told mom, they were taking me for x-rays, and that one of two things would happen. Either I would walk out of the x-ray room on my own, or something would be seriously wrong, I’d be wheeled back out, and more tests would have to be done. An hour later, when I walked down the hallway, my mom’s face immediately relaxed. Uncle Jerry, mom, and dad, all gave me a big hug (because I had earned it!) Now you may be asking where did Uncle Jerry come from in this story? Well it should be known that when a member of our family get’s hurt or sick, the entire family knows within 5 minutes, and no less than three people will volunteer to go to the hospital. Aunts and Uncles accompanied my parents on many a trip to the ER, from strep throat to scalp stitches to TVs falling on heads.

I walked back into my house late that night and headed straight for my room to show Colleen that Uncle Jerry bought me a Slurpee! Colleen is on the top bunk cradling her arm, which had grown to double its original size. She had torn tissue in her arm when she threw the TV off my head. She was none too pleased when I sauntered into the room completely fine with a Slurpee for my troubles. The next morning mom took her to the doctors, where they wrapped her arm (which I think was unnecessary, again with the attention stealing), and took her to 7-11 to get Colleen her well-earned Slurpee.

– Meagan

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